I don’t care if you care, you guys don’t have to read this.

I found an apartment I want. I am just listing I don’t really have it in me to make things look nice right now. I am nothing like how I wanted to end up. I am boring, I have no morals or convictions, I am incapable of being alone, I am self conscious, sick, and weak. I have no appetite, no curiosity, nothing of merit going on. My entire body starts to feel like it’s straining and I literally start to get this panicky urge to die. Like have you ever had a pain and your first instinct is to get on the ground, or to grip that part of your body? I feel this overwhelming pain deep in my chest that makes me literally throw up and my gut reaction is that dying is the only way it will end. I’m honestly really overwhelmingly happy- like so much so that I feel like I don’t have room for it in my body. But I feel sick and I’m tired of it. It’s a weird kind of sick.

Then my therapist told me it’s all because I probably got molested when I was little. Actually she told me that a long time ago I’m just tryin’ the words out because it turns out I thought I told important people like Joss and my mother but I totally didn’t. I mean I could have sworn I did but apparently I just meant to. She says I’m going to be all shitty at people until I deal with it hahaha or something is it weird that I’m laughing out loud right now? Literally out loud. Fuck.

I’m probably going to delete this. I really… I really have the weirdest urge to shove something into my eye. I think maybe it’s because I’ve been trying to quit smoking.